Listening Might Help!

The vote on the Voice is coming and next week I plan to distribute some information about both sides of the debate that has come from the Archbishop to help you reflect and think about your vote. 

Before I do that however, I wanted us to have a chance to reflect on the way we listen to and speak to each other as a community of God’s people. I have had long and passionate conversations with members of our church who are voting yes and no. I have appreciated listening to beliefs and opinions and am more than glad to listen to yours too. But my hunch is that if we all spend some time improving our listening before we really get to talking about the Voice, we just grow together rather than drift apart. 

Good listening leads to understanding and understanding leads to deep, accurate and empathetic conversation. Good listening doesn’t always mean you’ll agree, but you will come to appreciate and respect others at a more profound level. No doubt you’ve heard the witticism, "God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason" - good conversation starts with listening.

In Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit #5 is Seek first to understand, then be understood. He describes five forms of listening:

• Ignoring: not really listening at all.

• Pretending: humming along while not really following.

• Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear.

• Attentive listening: paying attention to the words.

• Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying to communicate.

Just imagine what it would be like if we could all engage in empathic listening. It’s not about forcing agreement on each other, it’s about walking a mile in another’s opinion so you might really understand it. And then asking them to walk a mile with you, without judgement or fear of reprisal. It is about seeking to understand what’s really behind another’s beliefs or attitudes. It’s about truly listening.

So how do you listen like this and have a good conversation. I want to make six suggestions:

1. Turn your heart on. When the conversation starts, decide to love and value the person you are in conversation with despite their point of view. This will help you have the right attitude and be willing to listen. 

2. Cultivate a curious mind. Ask questions of the person you are speaking to so you can dig deeper into their thinking. What, why, when, who, where, and how are the best friends of curious people and will help you understand what is being said so you can respond helpfully.

3. Watch the emotions. Emotions help us understand the depth of the views held but neither validate nor establish truth. If your listening is being impacted by your emotions, it may be best to put the conversation on pause until you can be calmer.

4. Say what you think. Telling the truth is crucial for good conversation but putting all your thoughts out for critique is also important. Consider the possibility that you could be wrong and ask more questions.

5. Stay on topic. Ad hominem arguments or the introduction of other topics into a conversation to try and win the argument will usually muddy the waters rather than provide clarity. 

6. Finish well. Agree to disagree. Decide to carry on another time. Take some things away to ponder some more. But work hard not to walk away as bitter rivals in a heated debate. As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone! (Romans 12:18)  

There are important things for us to talk about at the moment and the conversations I have had have been excellent - but keep going! Let's make sure we are having good conversations that help grow understanding rather than bad ones that undermine relationships. Perhaps James’ wisdom might also be helpful:

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20)